I've never really blogged about my breastfeeding journey and I thought I should. So here I am, blogging about the entire experience.
You wouldn't believe how imaginative I got when I realized I was a mommy and I had to offer my breasts to my baby as his staple food. Thousands of images flash across my mind whenever I think about breastfeeding.
When the real deal came, it was nothing like I ever imagined. I did EBM after nursing him for a short while. I just couldn't make myself believe direct nursing could satisfy Kayleb. Moreover, I felt more at ease to be able to see how much Kayleb is drinking each meal.
I guess there will be mothers who are pros at breastfeeding, squirming and wanting to tell me that would be wrong and I should directly nurse him to build up my supply. Maybe you are right, maybe you are wrong. I don't know because I might be one of those few mothers who just simply cannot produce enough milk.
I did not tell anybody this but the entire breastfeeding journey was nothing but stressful and tiring. Sure, it felt good whenever I nurse Kayleb. That's where I get to bond with him, skin-to-skin. Besides that, I hated breastfeeding. I did not have sufficient supply to meet demand. I tried everything from regularly expressing, daily nursing, to nursing and then expressing afterwards, to drinking papaya fish soup, to trying mother's milk tea to warm compress. NOTHING HELPED. NOTHING.
My husband is one pro-breastfeeding daddy. He kept pressing me on to continue breastfeeding whenever I tell him I feel like quitting. Sometimes, so encouraging till I feel like I have a 5-ton weight on my shoulders. But without him, I wouldn't get through 1 month of breastfeeding (my initial target) and went on to 3 months and then 6 months.
Things did not get any better when I had to return to the office. Some colleagues who bump into me holding my pump never fail to comment "so little milk?" Thanks, that hurts and yes, THAT little milk and I cannot help it.
Fortunately, there are positive memories about breastfeeding. Feeding him in the car, in public (automobile workshop), expressing milk in the car, expressing milk in the toilets (yes, public toilets), feeding him in different nursing rooms (from awesome ones to gross ones) and of course, falling asleep with him while nursing.
Now that I'm in a weaning off process, I have to admit, I feel depressed and guilty for not wanting to give Kayleb anymore breastmilk. I'm exhausted having to pump every 3 hourly. It's hard for me to juggle at work, especially when I need to run for meetings or attend seminars - it's just pathetic and disgusting pumping milk in the ladies. Without pumping, I could do more things and feel less stressed. Feeling less stressed up allow me to love Kayleb more and feel alot less angry whenever he throws a tantrum. Well, I can come up with a million reasons why I choose to stop breastfeeding, but none can help me deal with the guilt.
If you asked me if I'd breastfeed Kayleb if I had to do it all over again, I really have no idea. I want to be able to give him the best, but I also want to have an easier life (you know how difficult it is being a full time working mother). Simply saying - I'm very confused about breastfeeding. I hope it is just the raging hormones coming from weaning and nothing else. sigh. And I'm praying to be able to feel better in no time.